I was cut open and exposed tonight.
I am nothing.
I am nothing not because I am ugly or worthless. I am nothing not because I am a failure.
I am nothing because God is bigger and He is greater than anything I ever could be.
I am nothing because of Jesus.
not to care anymore.
you deliberately ignore me when I ask questions, and you don’t respond to my texts while you text everyone else.
you say it’s “busyness”, but if you’re willing to put me off and fool around with other people, then I choose not to care anymore.
it’s time for me to really evaluate why I care about these relationships.
damn, this feels good.
damn these emotions.
I think I might be developing feelings for somebody in my life.
It’s forbidden, it’s impossible, it can’t happen.
my thoughts are consuming me, and I’m always aware of where he is and who he’s talking to.
I feel jealousy.
only God can save me now.
for the sake of the world.
I keep wanting to burst into tears as I sit here trying to study for my exam.
I feel so emotional about the new things that are coming.
God, reveal to me my role in all of this.
Here am I.
I really miss it.
the truth slaps you in the face and you don’t know how to feel.
yeah, that’s how I feel right now.
as soon as I decide to take steps forward and pursue after Christ…
I’m not allowed to lead worship anymore.
honestly, it’s embarrassing. I see how all the other people in my class are able to continue leading because they didn’t eff up like I did this past week.
I can beat myself over and over again with what happened… I can compare, feel worthless, feel crappy, and sulk. I can be bitter, cry, and wallow in my sadness.
But I choose not to.
I may cry later tonight, but that’ll be the end of it.
Perhaps this is a test from you God… wondering if I’m willing to follow after you, holding onto truly nothing.
I run to you Lord, save me from this pit.